Top 10 reasons why Sarah Palin wrote a book

10. She had banned so many books the Wasilla library was running out of books.
09. A 400+ page book sounded like the right size to hit Levi on the head.
08. Writing a book is the only way she could get on Oprah
07. The book advance was her personal bailout package and a stimulus rolled into one, and it was not from the Federal Govt.
06. She thought she could be the first to tap into the Russian market given that she could see the bookstores from her porch.
05. She wanted readers to get a feel for what its like to be before a death panel.
04. Doggone it, she wanted to be the first Joe Six Pack to write a book for all Joe Six packs.
03. Writing a book was so fast and easy she wouldn’t have to quit mid-way.
02. She was “Pallin’ around with publishers”
01. She didn’t cut it as a pitbull with lipstick, so she settled for a book that was all “bull” instead.

Top 10 Signs you suffered food poisoning at a Chinese Restaurant

10. You are panting for breath in the ICU but going “Hoo Naan, Hoo Naan”

09. You remember being Client #9 (oops, table #9) but are wondering how you became victim #1.

08. While in the ICU you recall seeing your grandma who died 25 years back pacing up and down your ancestral home but instead of the customary chant of “Rama, Rama” you hear her saying “Mapo Tofu”.

07. You are bewildered to read a front page report in the NY Times where the Bush Govt. accuses the Al-Qaida for food poisoning cases in the Chinese restaurants in the US.

06. Your 55-year old sweet Filipino nurse in the hospital keeps telling you “Sir, your Mapo Tofu breakfast is ready. You can have Mongolian chicken for lunch!”

05. The dreaded 3 am phone call comes not to the white house but to your house and your spouse has to answer, there is no right or wrong answer and Dr. at the other end simply says “We are not sure we can!”.

04. You see these strange visions of John McCain dancing around a fire with Ronald Reagan gesturing to you and saying “My friend, come join the Reagan Revolution we can kick some Chinese ass but you ain’t getting universal healthcare”

03. You are watching the Obama girl but she is singing in Chinese!

02. You see Shahrukh Khan dancing around on a cricket pitch filled with rupee notes and signs for the IPL but strangely enough he suddenly stops and says in his characteristic style, “Chi–Chi-Chi-neeeese food ka-ka-kaaa jawaab nahin!”

01. You are convinced that Tom Friedman’s flat world actually means you could go to any part of the world eat Chinese food and find yourself flat on your back in the Emergency Room (ER) fighting for your life.

What Bush and Gore Really Said to Each Other

Al Gore stopped by the White House recently for a photo-op with President Bush along with other Nobel Laureates. As part of this visit, the President had a private meeting with Al Gore. This would have been an ideal opportunity for late night political humor. Unfortunately the writers were on strike, and the world was deprived of some humor. Here is a small attempt at filling that huge void, with another fictitious conversation, this time between Al Gore and President Bush.

Gore: I simply can’t hold back any longer….You dork! I hate you!!

Bush: Ok…like you are some genius, you ozone man! Welcome back, anyway. Btw, call me Mr. President… eh, if you don’t mind.

Gore: Mr. President, you not only screwed up the US, you messed up Iraq and the rest of the world as well. Even the earth can’t stand you, its heatin’ up!

Bush. Yeah, yeah, like you are so smart! Yeah right, the earth is heatin’ up.

Gore: I might not be smart (oh, actually I take that back!)…. But good Lord! You are the pits!

Bush: Ok, Ok, Al. Let off some steam. You earned the right to.

Gore: Steam, my a…! I wish you would just fall off that chair!

Bush: Yup, you right. Its your ass, its huge! What’s up with that? Btw, you better not fall off and break my chair, you fat ass! Remember, I am still the “Decider”

Gore: Decider! Baloney! Lemme tel’ ya’…I just feel like punchin’ your face!

Bush: Al, unlike you I am fit. I can move faster than you can move your index finger…Ooh, did I just say index finger. To be honest, I don’t even know which one it is! Sounded pretty cool though, isn’t it? In any case, I really think you ought to hit the treadmill, Al. Gee! I can’t believe how much weight you have put on in six years. And we thought Clinton ate all the burgers!

Gore: Don’t get me started on Bill…..Just see what you have done to the world in six years! I got the Emmy, Sh…! I even got an Oscar. I mean, c’mon!!!

Bush: Oh, cool! Congrats, that’s terrific. You are doing a terrific job Brownie! Sorry, that was not a line meant for you.

Gore: I even got the f… Nobel peace prize.

Bush: Nobel, eh…what’s that? Oh yeah, that’s what you are here for, right? I almost forgot.

Gore: Heck, I even have tons of Google and Apple stock!

Bush: God, that stinks. Real bad. But I am sure you’ll vote Republican this time. You want those tax breaks dont’ya fat boy!! And you want them permanent, right?

Gore: Gosh, I still can’t believe you got my job.

Bush
: Sorry Al, I really gotta go now. Those guys from the Middle East are killin’ each other. I need to go help Condi hold ‘m back or Cheney will show up with his shotgun and then I’ll have to deal with World War III.

Gore: Gosh, not once, but twice you became President! God, I can’t believe this is for real!

Bush: Tough luck Al. I hear ya. I know this is inconvenient, but it is still the truth. I feel your pain (oops….I wasn’t supposed to say that). What can I say, “some people still want to drink a beer with me” — Face it, I got your job, nah-nah-nah-nah.

Gore: I have had it. See ya later, you freakin’ cowboy!

Bush: Ok, Al…. Seriously. I have a tough assignment for you. But I am sure you can do it. You deliver and then we are even. Ok, you ready?

Find Obama for me, sorry I meant Osama! (Crap! Its that guy Romney’s fault for messing me up with these names.)

Gore: Get outta here!

Top 10 Reasons Why Dravid Quit

Rahul Dravid quietly bailed out from the hot seat of India captaincy. Here are the Top 10 reasons why Dravid quit:

  1. He was always late for practice thanks to Bangalore traffic.
  2. He wanted to fire Ganguly, but Greg was no longer around to “execute”.
  3. Pawar mailbox was always full so he could never send him email.
  4. Kapil paaji @ICL offered him a deal that he could not refuse.
  5. He had planned to take off his T-shirt (a la Dada) after the ODI at Lords but it didn’t materialize.
  6. 20-2o commentary seems more fun.
  7. He wanted to end nightmares he was having about the upcoming tour of Australia.
  8. He misinterpreted Chak de and Chucked his captaincy!
  9. US Intelligence believes it is because of Al-Qaida.
  10. He couldn’t bear the frequent calls from Azhar-bhai.

Top 10 things You Won’t Hear in Tonite’s State of the Union Address

10. Darn it, what’s with the weather, its f…. cold these days!
09. Hey, what’s the lady doin’ behind me?
08. You might not like my Iraq policy, but don’t tell me you like Hillary!
07. I hereby announce that Jeb has just formed a Presidential exploratory committee.
06. Jenna wants a book contract, Anybody?
05. Born in Hawaii to a Kenyan father and a Caucasian woman from Kansas, a man who has dedicated his life for American working families, please join me in recognizing, on my far left, America’s first black President, Barack Obama.
04. I have a new Iraq policy. It is called, “No troops left behind”. I am sending all our troops to Iraq.
03. Sorry folks, you are not the first ones to hear my speech. A short while back, one of my body guards uploaded a camera phone recording of my speech on Youtube.
02. My fellow Americans, I screwed up in Iraq. Big time. Yes, BIG BIG time.
01. Goodnight & Good Luck, God bless my Iraq policy.

Top 10 Reasons Why Saddam Is Being Hanged in a Hurry

10. There is no staff available due to the holiday season after tonite to perform the execution.
09. He threatened to release his personal Iraq Study Group report while the Bush administration has barely flipped through the original ISG report.
08. Yahoo released Saddam’s IM sessions with Hugo Chavez to US Intelligence.
07. After the Tara Cotter pardon, the US was fearful of Trump pardoning Saddam.
06. Saddam just rented Al Gore’s “Inconvenient Truth”
05. Google would have done it, but their execution products are not due until 2008.
04. Cheney was threatening to go hunting in Iraq.
03. Youtube traffic has dropped dramatically and they need some new videos.
02. His execution is discussed in the first para of Bush’s speech to the nation next week.
01. Saddam just registered on Second Life!